If there were mice in my room, I'd have something interesting to write about.

But, since I'm home in North Carolina again, there are no mice, hence my writers block.

It's weird coming home. I'm glad to be here but it feels a little bit like a step backward. My goal while I'm here is to plan a solid two weeks of meetings and home groups and whatnot in the future, probably June, and in the meantime work. I'm not really sure where I'm going to find a job.

I've become kind of resolved to the idea that I'm not going to make it to staff conference. That is a major disappointment. I know I'll live, and I keep asking God to let me go, but I don't see how it could happen at this point. I know it's possible, I just keep asking. The thing is, I want to go, but I don't if God doesn't want me to, but I still do, but if me going means I'll contract the plague or get trampled by a moose or *gasp* stay spoiled, I don't want to but I still really want to go. If you followed that.

I just had my first house meeting too. Two people came. There were technically three people there because the guy that lived there stayed, five if you include the dogs. That was also a bit of a bummer, but praise God anyway because I got a new supporter, if not two. The meeting itself went really well actually and I'm glad the people who came were there because all-in-all it was good. I know this is probably not new news to anyone who reads this blog, since most of you live off of support, but I feel like if people could just come to things I invite them too, it would be way easier to raise money.

The only thing that really frustrates me right now is people telling me that I am discouraged. I must hear that more often than anything else.
"I know you're discouraged but..."
"Just don't be discouraged."
"blah blah discourage blah discouragement blabby blah discouraged BLAH!"
And I haven't even been whining!

I really am not discouraged. The Lord has been doing some good things in my heart. I'm realizing now that support raising isn't about raising money- God could get me that money in five minutes, especially because I buy lottery tickets. Support raising is about God changing my heart and making me more like him, which takes much longer because it involves my cooperation which never really goes as planned because it involves a human element called "Victoria" in the Latin Vulgate. So I'm not discouraged. I've been reading the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis so even if I were discouraged I wouldn't give the devil the satisfaction of knowing it! But, I'm not. SO STOP TELLING ME I AM OR I'LL DISCOURAGE YOUR FACE.

Back to what God's doing in my heart: I'm definitely gentler with words.

Okay but for real. I've been doing a lot of reading on prayer lately. And I've been doing a lot of practical application of that reading called, are you ready?- praying. I've started writing in my journal again which has been great because I have to process everything that's going on. I avoided that for a while because I didn't want to "deal" with certain things in my life but I realized that's a cop out and just pure mental laziness. So I've stopped being mentally lazy and now I'm doing a lot more thinking. Most of the time I fall asleep but I'm TRYING and STOP telling me I'm DISCOURAGED and COME to my HOUSE MEETINGS when I TELL YOU and I made REALLY GOOD LASAGNA today so SHUT UP.


aaaaaand scene.