word vomit

I was born in New York and I lived in two or three different houses there. When I was four I moved to North Carolina to this brick house that the only thing I remember about was the backyard. Then when my mom threw my dad out we moved into a trailer in a trailerpark in another town. Then after a while we found an apartment above a barber shop- that's where I went to kindergarden. Then after that we moved into an apartment building in another town (another school for me) and my grandma moved in with us for a while. Then, when I had just turned eight (third grade), my parents decided to give it another go because we couldn't afford rent where we were so a little before Christmas I moved away from North Carolina to New York. We were in New York for three months before things went south and I finished off my third grade year in Northern Virginia while living at my grandpa's house.[so that's three different schools, states and houses during third grade if you're keeping track] The next school year I went to a different elementary school than the one in third grade because the other one was full. We moved again the summer of fourth grade to our first house with a yard. I went to a different school in fifth grade. Sixth grade started middle school, so again, I was in a different school and making different friends. In eighth grade we moved again and I went to highschool in ninth grade- granted, same friends, but different town. The summer I graduated highschool my family moved about 20 minutes away, to a new town, and my sister went to a new school. I was in our apartment for two days before I went to college in Spain for the first time. During my whole first semester at school here, I had no idea what our furniture would look like or anything because my family finished moving in while I was on the plane. That freshman Christmas I came home to a house I didn't recognize, an address I couldn't remember, and a phone number none of my friends had. I spent my freshman summer there too, interning with my church. In the beginning of my sophomore year my family moved again to a different town, phone number, house, you name it. I spent Christmas in a new house again. In the spring of my sophomore year my mom and sister made a big move down to North Carolina- this time without me. I mean, I had a room there and stuff but it was the first time I came home to a house I had never seen before to a room I had never slept in and to a town I didn't recognize. My family's been there for about a year now.
All this to say, I'm getting a little stir crazy now that I've been in Madrid for so long and I've had the same friends for three years and they all know all my crap. Today at church I told even more people my crap. You know what? I don't feel any better about things. I feel like I wanna jump on a plane and go anywhere but here. I've been conditioned to feel that way- just look at how I grew up. My reaction upon arriving back to my room after church was "man, why the heck do I talk so much?! Why can't I just keep my flipping mouth shut. I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE."
I know why I can't keep my flipping mouth shut. Because neither my mom or dad can keep their flipping mouths shut. I come from a family of talkers. It's their fault. It's genetic.
The Lord asked me to do something hard today, and I did it. What's even harder though is doing things with no visible reward and not seeing any benefit at all. You just humiliate yourself in front of thirty people because you want to love Jesus more and you don't even know what that means.
I want something, anything to be different- like to be able to worship more truthfully or to be able to share my faith with a new courage or to be able to hear God's voice more clearly. But instead I just feel weird. And I know it was encouraging for other people and I get a chance to experience grace- not that that stuff isn't important- I just really want to get on a plane and get out of here. It doesn't help that I just had a soda and popcorn for dinner and then a brownie and I've had a lot of sugar today so I'm jittery and I have this headache and bleheihegaek. Life is flipping complicated but at the same time it's so simple. And now, I'm not making any sense so I'm just going to stop typing.