Bad Day

Disclaimer: This is all part of my new trying-to-be-open-and-honest phase and stop-trying-to-look-sane attitude, so if fury an insanity scare you, skip the following:
I am having a bad day today. I was supposed to go to the beach but God made it clear to me he doesn't want me there through enough ways that I'm not there right now. I feel like a whiny five year old who's about to throw a tantrum because things really aren't going my way lately. Honestly, I feel like I've earned the right to throw a tantrum and that slamming a door or two right now would be completely justified.
And God doesn't seem to want to just tell me what's going on lately. It's like he has this "plan" and he won't share every detail with me. What the heck.
I found out today one of my middle school youth pastors has two months to live and his wife is pregnant with their third baby that is due in a month. That's insane. It's also not fair. It kind of makes me feel like a jerk that I am annoyed that I don't have the money to go to the beach. Seeing things in perspective, I don't have the right to be annoyed about anything ever, which makes me feel like what I'm feeling is stupid which makes it worse.
I didn't really talk about this at all when it happened, but last summer a good friend of mine died. He was 17, my sister's age. I was good friends with his brother- he was the cutest kid. I'm still really upset that he died, and I still haven't really processed that.
I'm going on month 13 of no crying. That's frustrating too because I feel like most of what's happening right now in life is cry-worthy and the fact that I haven't wept over any of it makes me feel calloused and more of a jerk. I feel like if I start crying about stuff I'll open the proverbial floodgates and be a basketcase for about a month. Today and tomorrow were supposed to be days where I let these things just sink in and sit and let the last couple of months catch up with me- I don't think that's actually gonna happen.
I'm also really arbitrarily angry at my dad lately. If there was one time in my whole life that I need him to come through it's right now. And a word out there to all fathers or future fathers or even uncles: If you let your daughter graduate highschool without having convinced her that you think she is the most beautiful creature on earth, you have failed. She'll never think she's beautiful and she'll never believe any guy that tells her she is regardless of whether she is or not. That is your job- that's what fathers are supposed to do. So, if I find out any of your daughters get screwed up because you were a jerk, I'm coming after you.
My dad also thinks it's appropriate lately to call my mom and get her to talk him out of committing suicide. He called her the other day and told her he's going swimming in the Long Island Sound and he might try to just swim to Connecticut. I told her to tell him to swallow his I.D. so they'll know who he is when they find his body. This is the way the Stembokases handle their crap. We let things get so overwhelming that we just throw up our hands and go, I need to go to the beach. Only I wasn't going to swim away. As alarming as it is that my dad threatens to drive off bridges because nobody loves him, none of us take him seriously because he's never followed through with anything in his life; which is also another Stembokas trait that I have inherited, which is also another point of frustration. I have all these plans and aspirations and goals, some of which I've had since middle school, that I've never accomplished and I've gotten to the point where I now expect that anything I set out to do wont happen. I can only accomplish impulsive rash things that I decide to do in two seconds. But if I decide to do it and it takes longer than a day to accomplish, forget about it. Forget about steps or small goals or long processes. I don't have the stamina or the patience to see anything through. Marriage and childrearing should be interesting.
I think that's all for today folks...
Sorry all my blog posts have been whiney and all about me lately, but it's my blog so I'll write what I want.