How to Rescue a Woman from a Beast

So thank you all for commenting on my last post. One comment stuck out especially to me. Paul's comment was, "as a future husband, i don't really know what one could have done in that mouse situation. but yes, a meat tenderizer is quite handy." That was in response to Troy's comment that suggested I sleep with a meat tenderizer quite close to protect myself.
I realized after reading Paul's comment, the poor bloke probably doesn't know how to protect his woman, Kelly, from beasts. That's okay, Paul, that's why there are blogs where you can ask important relationship questions in total anonymity. I just want to do my part in helping Christian men be men.

To Protect Women from Beasts:

Here is what the proper response to my mouse situation would have been had there been a man that had any ounce of decency nearby during my dilemma:

Victoria: "CRAP! CRAP GUYS, CRAP"

Man: "What is it, my love?" (please imagine deep, booming voice and chest hair)

Victoria: "A beast has screeched across my floor thus striking terror within my bosom. CRAP."

Man: "Never fear! I can bench press a horse drawn carriage, I'll save you!" *note to men, if you cannot bench press a horse drawn carriage, start doing pushups. Those help.*
The man proceeds to pick up Victoria so there is a full six feet between her and the ground. He then awaits further instructions.

Victoria: "Carry me to safety!"

The man proceeds to carry Victoria to the nearest safe place where she can watch him slay the beast.

You'll note at this point in the story that Troy's comment comes in handy. That is because Troy has been married for quite some time, and knows how to handle women.(now I'm sucking up because he's my boss.) Troy mentioned I might need a meat tenderizer. Since he is a married man, he knows about weapons. For our story however, I am manicuring my nails on my satin litter while the Brawny man is slaying the ROUS and it is he, not I, that needs the weapon.
Back to my story...

The man then chooses from one of his many sized clubs and maces; this one resembles a meat tenderizer that would literally tenderize a full grown cow. The man is strong enough to fell a tree in one swoop, so this type of tenderizing weapon is not an exaggeration.

Victoria: "Careful my love, I'm too young to be widowed."

Man: "Calm thy nerves, the hottness, I shall sing to you while I hunt and slay the beast."

Man sings a nice song where all the names have been replaced by mine. I record song to play for all my girlfriends later on so we can giggle at man.

The man proceeds to rip apart walls until he stares down the monster and the creature of doom dies from fear from my beloved instead of any inhumane treatment. I'm not cruel! The man turns and looks at Victoria while the sun sets behind him... (the screen goes dark here, I'm not sure what happens next.)

That is how you slay a beast when it is threatening a woman in distress.

Either that or the chick sleeps on the couch and Mr. Pullen comes and puts rat poison behind the walls the next day.