I was born in New York and I lived in two or three different houses there. When I was four I moved to North Carolina to this brick house that the only thing I remember about was the backyard. Then when my mom threw my dad out we moved into a trailer in a trailerpark in another town. Then after a while we found an apartment above a barber shop- that's where I went to kindergarden. Then after that we moved into an apartment building in another town (another school for me) and my grandma moved in with us for a while. Then, when I had just turned eight (third grade), my parents decided to give it another go because we couldn't afford rent where we were so a little before Christmas I moved away from North Carolina to New York. We were in New York for three months before things went south and I finished off my third grade year in Northern Virginia while living at my grandpa's house.[so that's three different schools, states and houses during third grade if you're keeping track] The next school year I went to a different elementary school than the one in third grade because the other one was full. We moved again the summer of fourth grade to our first house with a yard. I went to a different school in fifth grade. Sixth grade started middle school, so again, I was in a different school and making different friends. In eighth grade we moved again and I went to highschool in ninth grade- granted, same friends, but different town. The summer I graduated highschool my family moved about 20 minutes away, to a new town, and my sister went to a new school. I was in our apartment for two days before I went to college in Spain for the first time. During my whole first semester at school here, I had no idea what our furniture would look like or anything because my family finished moving in while I was on the plane. That freshman Christmas I came home to a house I didn't recognize, an address I couldn't remember, and a phone number none of my friends had. I spent my freshman summer there too, interning with my church. In the beginning of my sophomore year my family moved again to a different town, phone number, house, you name it. I spent Christmas in a new house again. In the spring of my sophomore year my mom and sister made a big move down to North Carolina- this time without me. I mean, I had a room there and stuff but it was the first time I came home to a house I had never seen before to a room I had never slept in and to a town I didn't recognize. My family's been there for about a year now.
All this to say, I'm getting a little stir crazy now that I've been in Madrid for so long and I've had the same friends for three years and they all know all my crap. Today at church I told even more people my crap. You know what? I don't feel any better about things. I feel like I wanna jump on a plane and go anywhere but here. I've been conditioned to feel that way- just look at how I grew up. My reaction upon arriving back to my room after church was "man, why the heck do I talk so much?! Why can't I just keep my flipping mouth shut. I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE."
I know why I can't keep my flipping mouth shut. Because neither my mom or dad can keep their flipping mouths shut. I come from a family of talkers. It's their fault. It's genetic.
The Lord asked me to do something hard today, and I did it. What's even harder though is doing things with no visible reward and not seeing any benefit at all. You just humiliate yourself in front of thirty people because you want to love Jesus more and you don't even know what that means.
I want something, anything to be different- like to be able to worship more truthfully or to be able to share my faith with a new courage or to be able to hear God's voice more clearly. But instead I just feel weird. And I know it was encouraging for other people and I get a chance to experience grace- not that that stuff isn't important- I just really want to get on a plane and get out of here. It doesn't help that I just had a soda and popcorn for dinner and then a brownie and I've had a lot of sugar today so I'm jittery and I have this headache and bleheihegaek. Life is flipping complicated but at the same time it's so simple. And now, I'm not making any sense so I'm just going to stop typing.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Ants
I'm having one of those weeks where I feel like I'm watching myself from afar and I can see every single little thing that I do wrong. I feel like every one of my actions is under deep scrutinization by someone with a giant magnifying class. I feel like an ant. I feel there's a beam of white hot light following me everywhere and that I'm cringing in front of it like a kid that know's she's about to get spanked. You know how kids will sort of arch their backs, shoulders up and go "imsorryimsorryimsorryIMSORRYIMSORRY..." That's what I feel like. Except for I'm the ant and the kid with the magnifying glass at the same time. I don't know how that works, but whatever.
Other people don't see these personality flaws that I do because they're deep and usually I come across as a "good person." I hate that phrase. But anyways, I feel like the longer I'm a Christian, the more Christlike I become, but at the same time, the more I notice how deep my sinful nature actually is. It's sort of a paradox. I'm getting better but at the same time I'm seeing how much farther I have to go before being "perfect." It's like I'm walking up this mountain and as I walk up I can more accurately see how high it is. When I started I didn't think I was that far away because the mountain looked small in the distance. Now that I'm on it and walking up, I'm making progress but I realize now that I'll never get there. But I keep going. What am I, insane?
There are also these onlooker ants. And to them, I'm getting higher and higher up the hill and they see me as being so far up the hill I don't have to go any farther. They'd think I was nuts if I told them I have farther to go. They are so far away that, to them, it looks like I'm at the top already. Isn't that weird? But the hill is still so high up.
Then there's God. There's always God, and that get's complicated to throw Him in the mix. He likes that I'm still climbing up the hill and he tells me to keep climing up the hill, because He's at the top, but He's also walking with me up the hill and I couldn't walk up the hill or even be ON the hill if He didn't let me, but every time that magnifying glass starts to singe the hairs off my .. He's like, put the magnifying glass away and I'm like, I can't get up the hill without it because if I don't have it then I don't know which way's up and He's like you're already at the top of the hill and I'm like what the heck are you talking about, don't you see how much farther up there is and He's like yeah I do, it's pretty far, and I'm like but you said I'm at the top and He's like, you are and then I'm like which one is it Troy, then Troy... I mean, the pastor ant, is like "yes" and I'm like AHHHHHH.
Then my old roomate ant is like "Grace!" and I'm like "shut up! Kel.. I mean you stinky ant!" (not that the ant stinks, she smells quite nice, it's just a metaphor) and then I'm left crispy and tired on the mountain looking down and not seeing that much distance and looking up and seeing no end and looking around and seeing other ants that see the distances differently and they look to me like they're all above or below me on the mountain but the Big Ant says that we're all in the same place.
*gasping for air*
Being an ant is complicated.
Other people don't see these personality flaws that I do because they're deep and usually I come across as a "good person." I hate that phrase. But anyways, I feel like the longer I'm a Christian, the more Christlike I become, but at the same time, the more I notice how deep my sinful nature actually is. It's sort of a paradox. I'm getting better but at the same time I'm seeing how much farther I have to go before being "perfect." It's like I'm walking up this mountain and as I walk up I can more accurately see how high it is. When I started I didn't think I was that far away because the mountain looked small in the distance. Now that I'm on it and walking up, I'm making progress but I realize now that I'll never get there. But I keep going. What am I, insane?
There are also these onlooker ants. And to them, I'm getting higher and higher up the hill and they see me as being so far up the hill I don't have to go any farther. They'd think I was nuts if I told them I have farther to go. They are so far away that, to them, it looks like I'm at the top already. Isn't that weird? But the hill is still so high up.
Then there's God. There's always God, and that get's complicated to throw Him in the mix. He likes that I'm still climbing up the hill and he tells me to keep climing up the hill, because He's at the top, but He's also walking with me up the hill and I couldn't walk up the hill or even be ON the hill if He didn't let me, but every time that magnifying glass starts to singe the hairs off my .. He's like, put the magnifying glass away and I'm like, I can't get up the hill without it because if I don't have it then I don't know which way's up and He's like you're already at the top of the hill and I'm like what the heck are you talking about, don't you see how much farther up there is and He's like yeah I do, it's pretty far, and I'm like but you said I'm at the top and He's like, you are and then I'm like which one is it Troy, then Troy... I mean, the pastor ant, is like "yes" and I'm like AHHHHHH.
Then my old roomate ant is like "Grace!" and I'm like "shut up! Kel.. I mean you stinky ant!" (not that the ant stinks, she smells quite nice, it's just a metaphor) and then I'm left crispy and tired on the mountain looking down and not seeing that much distance and looking up and seeing no end and looking around and seeing other ants that see the distances differently and they look to me like they're all above or below me on the mountain but the Big Ant says that we're all in the same place.
*gasping for air*
Being an ant is complicated.
Monday, April 16, 2007
The King
Today there were a bunch of shootings at Virginia Tech. I have friends that go there. They're okay, praise God, but at least thirty-three people died. Pray that Satan does not have a victory in this. Pray that more people come to know Christ today than died or have to deal with a friend or family member that died. Pray that God has the last word here.
Stuff like this makes me want Christ to come back now. Everytime I walk past a prostitute or read the headlines or hear that another one of my friends is going to Iraq I'm overwhelmed with the vision of what it could be like if Christ was King- King over everything, and everyone knew who the King was, and people bowed to the King and did what the King said; and they didn't do this because they'd be punished if they didn't, they did it because the King told them that he loved them and that he wanted to know everything about them and have a relationship with them.
Do you realize that if you are a Christian, you have a deep, intimate relationship with a King?
I don't think that we realize what Kings are like because none of us have ever lived under a king's ruling; I certainly haven't. But I do think that we'd think twice before shooting eachother, or hating eachother, or not letting eachother get on the bus or metro first or not saying hi to eachother.
Until Christ comes and is King over everything and nothing is screwed up, we as Christians have a responsibility to make Christ King over EVERY PART of our lives. Christ has named us ambassadors- we're his representatives. If we don't act like Christ and let him reign through us, no one will ever know what He is like- and it will be our fault.
Come Lord Jesus, Come soon, because we are not doing a good job. I am not doing a good job. Either come or change us more fully into you. For your glory. Amen, come Lord Jesus, come.
Stuff like this makes me want Christ to come back now. Everytime I walk past a prostitute or read the headlines or hear that another one of my friends is going to Iraq I'm overwhelmed with the vision of what it could be like if Christ was King- King over everything, and everyone knew who the King was, and people bowed to the King and did what the King said; and they didn't do this because they'd be punished if they didn't, they did it because the King told them that he loved them and that he wanted to know everything about them and have a relationship with them.
Do you realize that if you are a Christian, you have a deep, intimate relationship with a King?
I don't think that we realize what Kings are like because none of us have ever lived under a king's ruling; I certainly haven't. But I do think that we'd think twice before shooting eachother, or hating eachother, or not letting eachother get on the bus or metro first or not saying hi to eachother.
Until Christ comes and is King over everything and nothing is screwed up, we as Christians have a responsibility to make Christ King over EVERY PART of our lives. Christ has named us ambassadors- we're his representatives. If we don't act like Christ and let him reign through us, no one will ever know what He is like- and it will be our fault.
Come Lord Jesus, Come soon, because we are not doing a good job. I am not doing a good job. Either come or change us more fully into you. For your glory. Amen, come Lord Jesus, come.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Passover
"Holy Sh**, slavery must've fu**ing sucked."
Tonight I went to a Sadyr at one of my Jewish friend's houses. There were a bunch of people there that I know but don't usually hang out with because let's just say their interests are far from mine. But Lee invited me to the Sadyr at his house this year because we've been friends for a while (he's in my year) and last year I told him how I sang Da-Dayenu at the Passover celebration at my church.
Tonight was a reminder for me that people are interested in God still. As I was sitting in the very smoke filled livingroom filled with people excited about Holy permission to drink wine ("thank the Lord of the Vine"), I noticed that in the same room there were Jews, a Japanese kid, a Christian (myself), people who think about God probably once a year, and a Muslim kid who I remember talking about fasting for Ramadan. In the same room. Eating bitter herbs and remarking on how slavery must have effing sucked.
People are still interested in God and I think that God values this kind of dirty honesty and broken, dysfunctional but peaceful gathering more than he values a dead group of "believers."
Pray for Wednesday for us- Jonathan and I are leading "God night" in which we'll be talking about "If God is so good, why do bad things happen to good people/children get abused/1 billion go without drinking water." We're luring students there with free pizza but I hope they'll leave actually fed.
Tonight I went to a Sadyr at one of my Jewish friend's houses. There were a bunch of people there that I know but don't usually hang out with because let's just say their interests are far from mine. But Lee invited me to the Sadyr at his house this year because we've been friends for a while (he's in my year) and last year I told him how I sang Da-Dayenu at the Passover celebration at my church.
Tonight was a reminder for me that people are interested in God still. As I was sitting in the very smoke filled livingroom filled with people excited about Holy permission to drink wine ("thank the Lord of the Vine"), I noticed that in the same room there were Jews, a Japanese kid, a Christian (myself), people who think about God probably once a year, and a Muslim kid who I remember talking about fasting for Ramadan. In the same room. Eating bitter herbs and remarking on how slavery must have effing sucked.
People are still interested in God and I think that God values this kind of dirty honesty and broken, dysfunctional but peaceful gathering more than he values a dead group of "believers."
Pray for Wednesday for us- Jonathan and I are leading "God night" in which we'll be talking about "If God is so good, why do bad things happen to good people/children get abused/1 billion go without drinking water." We're luring students there with free pizza but I hope they'll leave actually fed.
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